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miles_to_go2020-01-04 09:30 am
Chapter 6: Notes
Here's a dump of all the outlines and chatlogs and scene-snippets I could find, in an attempt to give you some closure.
Content Tags: Jealousy, emotional cheating, characters being pretty horrible to each other, treating Leaf like an object, a hell of a lot of emotional tension
Plot
This entire fic was about young people making terrible mistakes, realizing what they've done, and living with the consequences. There's no character who's not in some way culpable for the disaster that is their life. But because of that, they all have equal parts in untangling the knot so they can all be happier. I'm not going to make any apologies or excuses for some of the frankly horrible shit that the characters do in this story. All of them treat each other pretty badly. The point of the fic was realizing what they've done to each other, forgiving each other for it, and doing the messy work of trying to fix it.
The endgame ships were supposed to be redgreen and ethanleaf.
Red went up Mt. Silver, and somewhere in that time Green and Leaf started dating. Green was content with giving up on Red; Leaf wasn't. When Green came home one day talking about a new trainer who had won his badge, his voice alive with an energy Leaf hadn't heard in his voice in years (since Red disappeared), she thought it was interesting, but put it out of her mind. Then she ran into Ethan after he came into her diner, dejected after having to lost to a mysterious powerful trainer on Mt. Silver, and she remembered Green's earlier story and put all he pieces together. When Ethan had difficulty defeating him, she offered to help him train for a year until he finally succeeded. Over the course of their months training together, Ethan developed a huge crush on her. He's been chasing her ever since.
The major relationship threads in the fic were supposed to be as follows:
RedLeaf: It's kind of fucked up that Leaf helped Ethan defeat him. To Red, Mt. Silver felt like the only thing he had left, the only place he could just be himself without being bombarded by people who always wanted things from him, all the noise of living in human civilization, and Leaf helped rip that away from him. Once he realizes her part in training Ethan, he's decidedly chilly towards her for a while. But Leaf eventually sighs, apologizes, and also tells him that he needs to get off his high horse. Did he really think he was going to live up there forever? What about the people he abandoned who loved him? What about Leaf, who he left without saying goodbye? What about his mom? Being a human being is hard, interacting with the world is impossibly hard a lot of the time, but still you have to keep trying. After all, did he learn anything up there on Mt. Silver? Did it fix his problems? Did it make him feel any better? Red mulls over it for a while, and then realizes that she has a point. Hiding from his problems didn't really fix them. And all the things he's seen on this road trip — all the new pokemon, all these sights, all the new trainers he's fought and learned from — would never have been possible while he was on Mt. Silver. Maybe there's something to this socializing thing after all. It's Leaf who he "practices" with first, trying to learn how to communicate. Once he and Leaf have become friends again, he tries to talk to her about his relationship with Green. I think he confesses his feelings for Green to her first, because he's never been good at lying. I think it's after this that Leaf confronts Green about his relationship with Red.
GreenLeaf: Leaf has seen the writing on the wall for their relationship for ages, now. Green is basically married to his job, Leaf wants to travel forever, and their future life goals just don't add up. But she loves him, and she wants him to be happy. They eventually break up over the course of the road trip but it feels more like telling the truth to each other and deciding to stop mutually building a lie than a betrayal. Green realizes that he's been pretty horrible to Leaf for years, trying to turn her into something she's not. Leaf realizes she's been letting him, because she couldn't get her mom's words out of her head, and also that she's been lying to herself. Once they admit these things to themselves and each other, it's kind of inevitable that they break up. Also, Leaf has known that Red and Green were A Thing since they were children, and so isn't super surprised to see the alarming chemistry they develop once they're forced to sit together in a car for hours a day. She does, however, confront Green about it before he's ready, which leads to an initial bout of yelling but then also opens the floodgates of Green coming to terms with how he really feels about Red.
RedGreen: "fine line between love and hate," obviously, but it's really that for years Green tried with increasing desperation to make Red look at him, and he did it in the most confusing, most alienating ways possible. Red had no idea what was happening and eventually decided to go up on a mountain and wash his hands of the whole thing, because he was tired of being pissed off at this person he had loved once, and if he couldn't fix it then at least he could stop it from getting any worse. But Ethan beats Red, and Red comes back down, and Green's just as angry as he was when he left, which is just...really confusing. Red can't avoid Green any more in this car, so he ends up having to talk to him, and at first there are just a lot of fights, Green venting all his anger and Red eventually venting some anger at his own. This eventually leads to them realizing all the different ways they fucked up, and also the things they were trying to say to each other all along. There's a scene where Green apologizes and Red doesn't know what to do with it. He doesn't apologize back, but Green isn't surprised. After they clear the air, they start...trying to talk: stuff about pokemon first, mostly, branching into reminiscing about their childhoods, things they learned when they were apart. Somewhere in this Green unearths the feelings that he's kept long buried, the part of him that likes Red so powerfully and unavoidably, the part of him that's drawn to Red like a compass to North, and then he doesn't know what to do. He's with Leaf, he loves her; but he's loved Red for so much longer, and now that he's not trying to ignore things in his life, he's starting to really see all the ways in which he and Leaf don't really match up. Leaf calls him out on the Long Glances he's been giving Red, who's been returning them. Green feels horrible and denies it. Then a week later yells at her for doing the same thing with Ethan, except she doesn't deny it, she just says that they've both been trying to ignore things for too long, and then they have this horrible sitting-down-beside-each-other-silently moment where they simultaneously realize their relationship has been over for a month now and they didn't even realize it. They work out some boundaries, some understandings, exchange a lot of apologies. Green talks to Red about it, but not a lot between them changes while they're on the road trip, except that they stop trying to hide it, and just try to repair whatever they can between themselves. There's a Siken line that I think of for redgreen a lot: "Let's admit, without apology, what we do to each other. / We know who our enemies are. We know." where the enemies are just their own selves, holding themselves back. Red and Green realize that over the course of the story, and then try to make amends for it.
EthanLeaf: Ethan loves Leaf for who she is, not who she was as a kid, not for her potential. He thinks Leaf is amazing and cool and smart and beautiful, and honestly he's the only person in Leaf's life (until Red reappears) who treats her with unmitigated respect. He knows from the conversations he's had with her for years that her relationship with Green has flaws. He thinks Green doesn't treat her right, he thinks Green isn't good enough for her (and he is). But he knows he's the weird interloper in this already-tense road trip from hell, so for the most part he keeps his trap shut and is determined to 100% support Leaf as her relationship with Green falls apart. He's not like, actively trying to steal Leaf, but he'd be happy if they broke up and he could be with her instead. (Ethan is just as much of a jerk as every other character in this fic.) He supports Leaf a lot throughout the road trip. He listens to her when she's pulling out her hair trying to get Red and Green to talk and then later when she realizes her relationship with Green is actively failing. And he also supports her by trying to defuse the tension in the car periodically so Leaf doesn't get white hair before she's twenty. He just tries to make her happy, and they do have a lot in common. They're both fiesty fighters, they love to travel, they love training pokemon, they both have an innate playfulness. They grow closer, and eventually Ethan confesses to her, with various platitudes like "I'd never make you cry like he has," etc. Leaf admits that she'd go on a date with him, if she could. Green tries to fight with Ethan about it but Leaf tells them to stop being stupid and Ethan points out that Green lost her all by himself, no one had to help him be an asshole, and besides isn't Green in love with Red anyway? This plunges the whole car into an extremely horrible silence for several hours, which Red eventually breaks by going, yeah, I do love him, and then that just sets off even more chaos. Eventually Ethan and Leaf do go on a date, but it's after they all get home.
RedEthan: The problem of course is that Ethan adores Red. Red is his hero. Red is the person who inspired him to start traveling in the first place. Beating Red was the greatest moment of his life. So to have to see the aftermath of that, how utterly devastated Red is by his loss, is really fucking uncomfortable. Like, maybe he should apologize? But how can he apologize when he's not actually sorry about it? Shouldn't Red just get over it? Why is it impacting Red so much anyway? Ethan just wanted to be friends with Red, and over his repeated visits up to Mt. Silver he thought he might actually be making that happen, but after defeating Red it seems like everything is ruined and Ethan doesn't know what to do. As for Red, his only real coping strategy is weapons-grade avoidance, and he tries his best to ignore Ethan as hard as possible but it doesn't really work. For two reasons: one is that they're trapped in a tiny car, and the other is that Ethan is a ray of sunshine, charismatic and lovable, and not even Red is immune to that. Red feels set on all sides by enemies, confused and overwhelmed by Green's hostility and Ethan's puppy-like attention, but over the course of the fic he ends up coming to terms with both of them. Befriending Ethan is a matter of Red first forgiving himself—for losing, for having to give up on the failed life strategy that was holing up on a mountain for the rest of his life, for abandoning people he loved, for giving up on himself and the world way too soon. Everyone over the course of the fic has to learn how to communicate, but Red perhaps has the hardest journey, because of his nature. Red eventually starts to talk to Ethan, starts to teach him things, starts to smile at his jokes, and when it starts happening Ethan feels like this is an even bigger victory than the one on Mt. Silver.
The end conclusion of this fic is that Leaf is amazing and literally no one deserves her, tbh.
These fraught conversations and arguments were supposed to take place across Unova, with occasional cameos by Unova gym leaders and other people of interest, but we didn't have a set path for them or anything. Most of our planning was focused on the emotional journey of the characters, not the physical ones. But in the end, the goal was that everyone lied to themselves less. Everyone said what they wanted more. And in speaking their truth, they got closer to making their dreams come true. In all the fics I write, I want characters to be happy, and I want them to have earned it. All four of them have made a lot of mistakes. None of those mistakes vanish simply because they realized what they were doing wrong. The mistakes they made are too big for a simple apology could erase, though several were supposed to be made throughout the fic and those apologies are meaningful. But the real goal was seeing how they recover in the aftermath of the realization: seeing them attempt to rebuild friendships that are on the verge of permanent ruin; seeing them try to figure out what the other people on this road trip want and how they can best help them get there; figuring out what they want out of a good relationship, and how to be a good friend and partner to others; confirming to themselves that yes, these people still worth keeping in their lives despite everything. That was the point of the fic. Moving forward. Seeing all the miles they had to go, and then traveling all of them together.
The rest of this document are old notes I found scattered throughout several google docs. These are unedited, and are written in the format of Kuruk and I talking to each other, without expecting an outside audience such as yourselves.
Timeline
Because I think having one is the only way we'll get through this without horrible plot holes everywhere (I am very prone to plot holes)
before-canon:
Year Timeline
1996: Red becomes Champion (journey “ends”)
[~6 months later]: Red climbs Mt. Silver. [R+G+L = 12]
1997: Green becomes Viridian Gym Leader. [R+G+L = 13]
1999: Ethan’s journey starts. [R+G+L = 15, E = 13]
2000: Leaf and Green get together. [R+G+L = 16, E = 14]
2002: Ethan encounters Red on Mt. Silver and is defeated.
[A few days later]: Ethan meets Leaf; Leaf learns Red’s location and starts training
Ethan. [R+G+L = 18, E = 16]
2003: Leaf finishes training Ethan; Ethan defeats Red.
[A few months later]: Road trip begins. [R+G+L = 19, E = 17]
Scenes & Snippets
Road trip
Green finds himself gripping the steering wheel too hard once he manages to dislodge the rental car from the clogged highways of Castelia City. They are driving headlong into the sand-laced roads of Route 4 now, and the desert heat is reflecting off the asphalt and the hood of the car so that his vision swims with it.
“Turn up the AC,” Leaf calls from where she is sprawled in the backseat. “I’m practically roasting back here.”
Green grits his teeth and keeps driving.
The air in the car is muggy with tension that Leaf is unwilling to acknowledge unless Green brings attention to it. Green refuses, so he keeps his attention on the road ahead and keeps the tension sealed in his stiff shoulders.
It’s a four-hour drive to Nimbasa City; that’s what the printout Leaf had handed him said, anyway.
Green doesn’t think he can handle it. Sweat beads along his hairline, and the small of his back is drenched with it already. He shifts in his seat, and his shirt makes a wet squelch as cotton is peeled off leather.
“You should drink some water,” she says, her voice soft. “You don’t want to end up dehydrated, do you?”
His fists clench tighter on the steering wheel, and his knuckles turn white with the exertion. He is trying to avoid thinking of what he had realized the night before, filling his mind with the sight of the road instead. In trying to actively hide from the memory, however, it becomes more and more powerful.
Green longs to rest his head against something cool; he feels feverish and longs to stretch out in his own bed with Eevee’s tail flitting feather-light against the back of his neck.
Why did he agree to this in the first place?
“I hate vacations,” Green mumbles.
It takes him a moment to realize that he has said this aloud.
Leaf sighs. “I know.” She only sounds defeated now.
And maybe this has been a mistake, because he hates the desert heat and she welcomes the feel of it as long as it’s new. Their apartment in Viridian is old. They’ve lived there for two years; Leaf must certainly be tired of it already.
Green is almost sure of it. Remorse bubbles inside his chest at the thought, and his vision blurs with something else entirely.
“But,” Leaf adds, “you care enough about what I like to drag yourself along with me.” She chuckles, and the sound is light. “I think that counts for something. Don't you?”
Road trip, somewhere after the beginning stages but before the middle
Leaf sees Red and Green sitting together a short distance away and frowns.
She returns her attention to the small propane stove and the can in her hand. Ethan, across the fire, looks at her curiously, but she doesn’t meet his eyes. “Can opener,” she says, holding out her hand.
“I’ll open it.”
“Sure.” She passes the can to him, staring at the fire, and listens to the faint hiss of metal slicing through metal.
“Something on your mind?” he asks.
Leaf shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Ethan nods, dumping the soup into the pot. He’s scraping the can when Leaf says, “I do want to talk about it. But I don’t know what to say.”
“Okay.”
“They’re talking,” Leaf continues. “I told Green to talk to him, so they’re talking.”
He gives the spoon back to her. “That’s good, right?”
“Right.”
“You don’t sound like it’s good.”
“I want them to be friends,” she says, somewhat stubbornly.
“That’s why you guys are on this trip, right?” Leaf nods. He thinks for a moment. “I want to be Red’s friend, too,” he says. “Is that bad?”
“You're different,” Leaf says. “It’ll be good for Green, you know? Everything got so messed up—I just want things to go back to the way they were.” She hugs her knees to her chest. “I love Green,” she says. “He’s amazing. I just—”
After a moment of silence, Ethan prompts, “Just what?”
“I’m the only real friend Green has,” Leaf says. “I’m supposed to be everything for him. I can’t, you know? I’m just me. I want to be me,” she says, and looks up at Ethan suddenly. “I can’t change who I am or what I want to do. I like traveling; I like seeing new places and learning things.”
Ethan is looking at her with mild-mannered interest. “What did Green say about it?”
Leaf gives a little laugh. “We’re on this road trip, aren’t we? And Green is talking to Red,” she says.
“So he’s trying.”
“We’re both trying.” Leaf rests her chin on her knees. “I don’t want things to go back to the way they were,” she says. “That’s—I love Green. I don’t want to lose that.” She shakes her head. “I’m not making sense,” she says. “Forget it.”
She stirs the pot, feeling awkward in the silence. Raised voices make them both lift their heads, and they see Green storming off towards the car. The car door slams. Red is sitting stiffly where Green left him, and a few moments later, Pikachu comes over to sit beside him.
“I’ll stir,” Ethan says. Leaf sighs, hands the spoon to him, and stands, not knowing who to go to first.
“Hey, Leaf,” Ethan says, catching her attention. His grin is lopsided. “It’ll work out.”
“What makes you so sure?” Leaf asks.
“Because you’re amazing,” he says.
He sounds too genuine, she thinks, feeling somehow off-balance, but after a moment gives him a small answering smile. Then, she heads off towards the sand dunes.
Road trip, set after whenever Red and Green get to have A Moment
The air mattress is lumpy tonight. The ground is harder than usual here up north, and Green is glad for the blanket they bought in [the last town they were in]—and for Leaf, who radiates heat, at his back.
She makes a soft noise, pressing closer. Her hand moves along his side, skimming over the soft divot between his ribs and hipbones, and comes to rest on his upper thigh. Green scoots back, feeling her soft shape press against his spine. A kiss is pressed between his shoulder blades, and he shivers lightly.
He opens his eyes. Through a narrow gap in the tent flap, Red's lighted tent draws his gaze.
"Hmm?" Leaf murmurs, feeling the tension suddenly sag from Green's body.
He turns onto his back and Leaf willingly accommodates him, draping an arm across his chest, her toes curling around his ankle.
"Not tonight," he says.
"Okay," she says. She kisses his cheek, the act more sleepy than fond, and nestles into the pillow.
Green turns his head and stares at the distant light.
LARKY’S SCENE IDEA: FULL-CAR SINGALONG (Call Me, Maybe?)
Kuruk: My friends say it’s a drunk girl anthem at frat parties.
Larky: lol but I think it’s an adorably cute song. :x Green secretly loves trashy pop. Leaf knows it, and Ethan openly loves trashy pop so it works. Red keeps time with Pikachu while Eevee howls along in the backseat.
Kuruk: This sounds perfect. :’)
Larky: “It’s hard to look right at you baaaaaaaby, but here’s my number, so call me maybe” = and then Ethan and Green’s eyes catch and it’s awkward (Ethan is shotgun so he has radio control). Leaf’s backseat laughter breaks the weird moment.
Larky:There is more to how the scene starts, it involves Green’s fingers tapping subconsciously on the steering wheel...
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"I've got responsibilities, Leaf! When do you plan to stop working at the diner and do something with your life?"
Leaf raises her chin. "When you let me."
something here
I want to finish the pokedex and discover new places! I want to battle trainers and win gym badges. I want to see the world, Green!
You're not eleven anymore. When are you going to grow up?
----------------------------
(hypothetical exchange)
Ethan: There’s nothing wrong with being a wai--server.
Green: (hostile) How the hell does this concern you again?
Ethan: It doesn’t, but --
Leaf: Ethan --
Ethan: --my mom worked as a server, after my dad [left? died?]. It wasn’t the best job ever, but meeting all those new people and helping them out with their food... my mom says it helped her get past her own hurt and stuff.
-----------------------
Can Ethan also like really obnoxious yet arguably classic music like “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy? I can just imagine him popping in a CD he made ‘specially for the road trip. The first song would be that one, and only he would know the words. He would really be jamming out too, at least until Leaf or Green ejects the CD and throws it out the window.
----------------------
Larky
lol they get to Nimbasa
Larky
try to go to a club but can't get in
Larky
WHAT IS THIS
Larky
not old enough to drink sorry
Kuruk
Ethan: Hold on, I got this. (turns to the bouncer) Heeey, dude. Do you think you could let me and my friends in?
Kuruk
Bouncer: No.
Larky
omg dying
Kuruk
Ethan: Hey, c'mon. We're on vacation.
Kuruk
Bouncer: No.
Kuruk
Ethan: (sighs) Okay, I didn't want to play this card but... (smirks, holds out a thumbs-up, winks cockily) do you happen to recognize me from any... breakfast products...?
Larky
ASDF;LIKSAJRE;LKAJS;RELJA ;RE BREAKFAST PRODUCTS
Kuruk
Bouncer: I don't eat breakfast.
Kuruk
Ethan: OH, C'MON.
Larky
PLEASE WRITE THIS
Kuruk
meanwhile, Green hangs his head in his hands and Red thanks the heavens that he won't have to go in there.
Larky
Ethan tries to flirt with girls in line to get him in
Larky
Leaf just laughs at him
Larky
the whole time
Larky
back me up, you guys!!
Larky
Leaf - No I think you've got this one covered, actually
Larky
GIVE HIM ANOTHER ANGLE
Larky
MAYBE YOU DIDN'T GRIN HARD ENOUGH
Kuruk
Red just looks away and fiddles with the hem of his shirt.
Kuruk
Ethan: Do you happen to like Wheaties?
Kuruk
Girl: Isn't that, like, for old people?
Larky
Leaf: no, that's raisin bran.
Kuruk
Green feels bad because he never got a Wheaties endorsement.
Larky
well that's what a five minute championship run will to do you
That's all I have.
Thank you to everyone who's ever left comments or supported this story — I've received more questions and comments on this fic throughout the years than any of my other fics, and your interest has meant a lot to both of us. This fic was supposed to be very emotionally messy, way moreso than any other fic I've ever attempted, and I think because of that it needed two of us to create it. I hope that you enjoyed reading these notes. Thank you again! ♥